I was 27 years old when my mentor, Barbara, blew my mind with the pronouncement, "You cannot blame your rotten weekend on your mother-in-law's behavior. Your weekend was your fault. You had a choice."
"Oh, no," I hastened to explain, "I didn't have a choice. She said or did such and such so I had to do or say this or that."
"No, you chose to do and say what you did. You always have a choice. The truth is: you're never a victim of someone else's behavior."
If that was true, I wanted to know it! So, I began to examine my situation that very night. If I could actually choose how I reacted in any given situation (a radical thought) then I needed to plan ahead. I was sick of being a victim wounded, put down, and defeated by the words and behavior of others. I didn't like always defending myself and yet looking petty and childish in the eyes of my family. If I had to take responsibility for my behavior I wanted to act in ways that made me, at least, feel good about myself!
I found the principles I was looking for in the Bible. (I often wish I could show them to our national leaders today.)
The first on I concentrated on was freely you have received, freely give (Matt. 10:8). I knew Jesus had given me everything when I deserved nothing. So, to make it personal: I had been given forgiveness so instead of continuing to defend myself as a wife or parent I could agree with my adversary quickly (Matt. 5:25). That is, I could admit a possible mistake when accused and then silently forgive my mother-in-law's attack. To my shock the conversation was usually over!
Later, when I determined to love my adversary it was a little more difficult. However, I had learned to ask God in the Serenity Prayer to grant me the ability to accept the things I could not change by adding that means other people, places, and things. Acceptance is another word for love! Applied to my mother-in-law, I stopped trying to convince her to change her attitudes or behavior. I didn't have to agree with her but once I voiced my position I could refuse to respond any further and refuse to judge her. It truly does take two to argue.
At those times when I felt my temper rising so that I had to swallow down the desire to fight, I'd pick up a book or magazine and force myself to move into an empty bedroom where I could focus on something else until I cooled off. He that is slow to anger appeases strife (Prov. 15:18). After years of making that choice I heard my mother-in-law complain to others as I left the room one day, "You never know when she's going to leave the room. Without any warning, she just picks up a book and without a word she's gone!" I thought that was high praise!
I was raised to fight for what I believed was the truth. That meant in an unjust world I was fighting something or someone all the time. I found a better way and it came with promises of success. Luke 6:38 (NLT), "If you give, you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full measure, pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over. Whatever measure you use in giving---large or small--- it will be used to measure what is given back to you." What I didn't realized when I began on this journey was that it was the pathway to ultimate personal freedom but that is why I'm no longer the victim of any person, place, or thing!
